A LETTER TO A FATHER

Question: Dear Dr. Andrews,
I am a 13 year old, and I have a younger brother and younger sister. May dad, when his is home from work, spends most of his time on the patio smoking. My mother and my sister are allergic to smoking. The rest of the family does not like the smell of cigarettes either. I am very sad that my dad smokes.He reads your column, so I would like him to know the reasons why I wish for him to stop smoking.
1. Dad, sometimes I feel you prefer smoking better than your own family.
2. I wish you would spend time not smoking but with all of us.
3. I worry about your health. You are always tired, out of breath and look older
than you really are. I'm afraid you may die from heart trouble or lung cancer
and I cry when I think this can happen to you.
4. Your smoking causes you and Mom to argue, and we all are very unhappy when
the two of you don't get along. We want to live in a happy family.
5. Cigarettes cost money, and you work hard on your job. Event then, we cannot
afford many extras. I feel as though you are taking away from yourself and
from all of us.Dad, you are a good person, and I think if you decide to quit
smoking and you ask God for help, he will give it to you.

Dad, I hope you will read these reasons and think about what I've said to you.
Love,Your Daughter

Answer: Your letter to your father was beautiful. I could feel your caring and the deep concern you have for him. I encourage you to tell your father that you love him and care about him, as you've said in your letter. Please avoid nagging, or threatening, they will not help him to make a decision to stop smoking.I want to that you for writing to me.You speak for many children, who have the same wish for a loved one as you do for your dad. I have included in this column some facts about smoking, based on information published by the American Cancer Society, that could be helpful to your father.

If you are thinking of quitting smoking here are some things to consider:

1. It's not as hard as you think to remove this addiction from your life.
2. Don't look at it as if you are giving up something. This makes it seem too much
like a loss. What you are really doing is tossing something out of your life that
has done you harm and doesn't belong here anymore.
3. Set a date. Make a commitment. Give it a try. Remember, it is alright if you don't
succeed at first. Just keep trying. The only way you can lose is by ceasing to try.
4. Always keep a positive attitude. After all, this is one of the most positive things
you've ever done. Stay away from negative people and worrisome situations.
5. Quit for yourself. Even though your family and loved ones will benefit
tremendously from your quitting, it is you that will benefit the most. Have at
lease two reasons that you want to stop smoking.
6. Treat giving up smoking with the respect it rightly deserves. Become willing to
go to any lengths to remove it from your life. If you are not willing, try praying
for the willingness. This usually works.
7. Consider getting some support from a professional who understands nicotine
addiction.
8. Clinical Hypnosis, Auricular acupuncture, and E.F.T. (Emotional Freedom
Technique) are most effective treatments to help you stop the smoking habit,
because they focus on the psychological and the physiological factors of the
addiction as well.
9. Keep in mind, that desire to be a non smoker, is the key to your success.

Eugenia Andrews,
Ph.D.Psychologist, Hypnotherapist, Life/Business Coach

Tips on How to Get Balance in Our Lives

1. Give up the Myth of Perfect Balance: Work - Life - Private Time.
2. Focus on three things that matter most to you.
3. Be open to the possibilities in life.
4. Reflect on how you spend your time and make adjustments as needed.
5. Acknowledge that your focus may change with time.

Succeed in Getting Balance in Your Life Today

• Learn to say "NO" to family members and anyone else. remember that NO is "ON" spelled backwards and you don't always have to be "ON". The courage to say NO will give you strength and renew your energy to feel "ON". Saying NO will free you to say YES when it's truly your heart's desire.
• Be open to change (s) in your life.
• Aim for reasonable balance for the long term. You will be healthier, happier, less hurried and so will the people around you.

Take Time for Yourself

Inner Balance / Spirituality

• Take time to be alone, to just think.
• To renew your energy.
• To nurture yourself.
• To help your mind, body and spirit move toward balance.
• To be at peace with yourself.
• Ask yourself: What have I always wanted to do just for me?

If You are Stressed and Trying NOT to Smoke

Relaxercise to stay calm think about something that makes you feel good. Relax your shoulders. Close your mouth and inhale through your nose as slowly and deeply as you can. Hold your breath while you count to four, keeping your shoulders relaxed. Exhale slowly, letting our all the air from your lungs, as if you were blowing out a candle. Repeat this inhale - exhale cycle five times.

Change Your Thoughts, Lose Weight

1. Even though I crave sweets, when I feel (angry, lonely, tired, anxious, depressed, frustrated, scared), I deeply and completely love and accept myself. (Repeat 3 times)
2. Whenever I have a craving for fattening foods, I choose to be peacefully in control of those cravings. (Repeat 3 times)
3. Whenever I have a thought for fattening foods, I choose to let go and let God / Universe. Thank you God / Universe. (Repeat 3 times)

Positive Attitude: It can change your life

• Understand the Power of Attitude
• Take Charge of Your Life
• Identify the Attitudes that Hold You Back or Push You Forward
• Reframe Your Negative Attitude
• Discover How to Motivate Yourself
• Be Prepared for Crisis or Opportunity
• Find Your Purpose and Passion
• Learn to See Change as An Opportunity
• Build Supportive Relationships
• Enjoy the Journey

Quick Stop Smoking Tips

Creative Alternatives to Smoking

If you are bored and trying not to smoke:

• Hold a fake cigarette, for example, cut up straws
• Take a walk
• Do a puzzle
• Doodle
• Exercise
• Chew Gum
• Call a friend
• Work on a hobby
• See a movie
• Eat a low calorie snack
• Give yourself a manicure/pedicure
• Make a list of things to do
• Read a newspaper
  

Success Strategy

Successful people tackle the unpleasant tasks first.

This, too, shall pass away

Time is a great healer. This is especially true in the case of the loss of a loved one.
Solomon wrote that: "To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven...a time to die;...and a time to heal;... a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance" (Ecclesiastes 3:1-4).
Emotional healing will occur. A time to sing, a time to laugh and a time to dance will return.

Realize Your Dreams

The SECRET teaches us,
To powerfully intend to attract something small. Starting with something as small as the desire to have a steaming cup of coffee, or to get a parking space in a crowded parking lot. This is an easy way to experience the Law of Attraction in action. Visualize it, believe it's coming to you and you will have it. As you experience the inner power you have to attract, you will move on to creating much bigger things in your life and realizing your dreams.

STOP SMOKING - What are the symptoms of nicotine addiction?

Answer the following questions as honestly as you can:

1. Do you smoke every day?
2. Do you smoke because of shyness and to build self-confidence?
3. Do you smoke to escape from boredom and worries while under pressure?
4. Have you ever burned a hole in your clothes, carpet, furniture or car?
5. Have you ever had to go to the store late at night or at another inconvenient time because you were out of cigarettes?
6. Do you feel defensive or angry when people tell you that your cigarette smoke is bothering them?
7. Has a doctor or dentist suggested that you stop smoking?
8. Have you promised someone that you would stop smoking, then broken your promise?
9. Have you felt physical or emotional discomfort when trying to quit?
10. Have you successfully stopped smoking for a period of time only to start again?
11. Do you buy extra supplies of tobacco to make sure you won't run out?
12. Do you find it difficult to imagine life without smoking?
13. Do you choose only activities and entertainments such that you can smoke during them?
14. Do you prefer, seek out or feel more comfortable in the company of smokers?
15. Do you inwardly despise or feel ashamed of yourself because of your smoking?
16. Do you ever find yourself lighting up without having consciously deciding to?
17. Has your smoking caused trouble at home or in a relationship?
18. Do you ever tell yourself that you can stop smoking whenever you want to?
19. Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you didn't smoke?
20. Do you continue to smoke even thought you are aware of the health hazards posed by smoking?

If you answered "yes" to more than two of these questions, there is a chance that you are addicted or becoming addicted to nicotine. If you answered "yes" to three or more, you are probably already addicted to nicotine.

VARIOUS WAYS TO SUCCESSFULLY BEAT THE HABIT:

• Hypnotherapy
• E.F.T. (Emotional Freedom Technique)
• Acupuncture
• NeuroLinguistic Programming
• Cognitive therapy
• Cold Turkey
• Self Help Groups (Smoke Enders or Nicotine Anonymous among others)

DAILY DECLARATIONS KEY TO RESOLUTION SUCCESS

Dear Eugenia,
Every year I make my new year’s resolutions but for some reason I never have any success in sticking with them. This year I would like to put exercise into my daily routine and quit smoking. In the past I lost my enthusiasm quickly and I was back where I started, which made me feel like a failure.
Are other people successful in their resolutions, and could you give me some suggestions on how to realize mine.
I want to stop feeling disappointed in myself.
“Success in 2009”

Dear “Success”,
I think it’s great that you want to take better care of yourself as your new year’s resolutions reflect. Many people all over the world use this time of year to “take inventory” of how their lives have been in the past year, assess the things they’d planned to do and did, and come to the realization that there were still some things they did not accomplish. This realization, often puts some pressure on everyone, and it could lead to the individuals renewing their resolutions for the New Year much too quickly. Frequently, disappointment and a sense of failure give way to renewed hope that a new beginning could perhaps be made with the start of the New Year. You must know that you are not alone in having difficulty keeping your New Year’s resolutions. Research tells us that only about 40% of the people who make them are able to keep them on the first attempt. The rest make several attempts and many often will succeed on the fifth or sixth attempt. The following are some suggestions to help you succeed this year:

1. Make the decision to make a change for you and no one else.
2. A strong commitment to your goal is very important.
3. Start taking action today. One does not achieve change by thinking about it but by doing
something.
4. Take small steps daily, e.g., when it comes to losing weight, start walking 10 minutes every
day or eat half the portion of a meal that you would eat otherwise.
5. Have realistic expectations for yourself. It is truly amazing how being realistic about our
goals does not overwhelm us and produces amazing results.
6. Avoid being critical of yourself if you slip. Keep in mind that change is a process and it takes
time.
7. Be consistent. Through the accumulation of small actions we get big results.
8. We all want fast changes but we shouldn’t underestimate the factor of time. Changes require
us to be patient.
9. Make a list with coping strategies and several names of people who can be your support
system in your quest to lose weight and stop smoking. You might even find someone to do
this together with and you can motivate each other.
10. Never frame your resolutions as absolutes by saying “I will never do this again.” Success is
a process of changing all habits.
As the well-known football player and coach, Jim Ryan put it, “Motivation is what gets us started. Habit is what keeps us going.” Get into action today with small, consistent steps and before you know it, you’ll be meeting your goals.

Coping With Feelings

Managing Your Anger

Anger can be an underlyig cause of mental health issues. Learn what anger is; dangers of suppressed anger and steps toward managing anger.
What Is Anger?
Anger is a very powerful emotion that can stem from feelings of frustration, hurt, annoyance, or disappointment. It is a normal human emotion that can range from slight irritation to strong rage.
What Are the Dangers of Suppressed Anger?
Suppressed anger can be an underlying cause of anxiety and depression. Anger that is not appropriately expressed can disrupt relationships, affect thinking and behavior patterns, and create a variety of physical problems. Chronic (long-term) anger has been linked to health issues such as high blood pressure, heart problems, headaches, skin disorders and digestive problems. In addition, anger can be linked to problems such as crime, emotional and physical abuse, and other violent behavior.

What Steps Can I Take to Help Manage My Anger?

• When you start feeling angry, try deep breathing, positive self-talk, or stopping your angry thoughts. Breathe deeply from your diaphragm. Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax" or "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply until the anger subsides.
• Although expressing anger is better than keeping it in, anger should be expressed in an appropriate way. Frequent outbursts of anger are often counter-productive and cause problems in relationships with others. Anger outbursts are also stressful to your nervous and cardiovascular systems and can make health problems worse. Learning how to use assertiveness is the healthy way to express your feelings, needs and preferences. Being assertive can be used in place of using anger in these situations.
• Seek out the support of others. Talk through your feelings and try to work on changing your behaviors.
• If you have trouble realizing when you are having angry thoughts, keep a log of when you feel angry.
• Try to gain a different perspective by putting yourself in another's place.
• Learn how to laugh at yourself and see humor in situations.
• Practice good listening skills. Listening can help improve communication and can facilitate trusting feelings between people. This trust can help you deal with potentially hostile emotions.
• Learn to assert yourself, expressing your feelings calmly and directly without becoming defensive, hostile or emotionally charged up. Seek help from a life coach or an anger management expert to learn how to use assertiveness and anger management skills.
  
  What Else Can I Do to Deal With My Anger in a Healthy Way?
  If you believe that your anger is out of control and is having a negative affect on your life and relationships, seek the help of a mental health professional. A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with you to develop techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior. A mental health professional can help you to deal with your anger in an appropriate way. Choose your therapist carefully and make sure to seek treatment from a professional who is trained to teach anger management and assertiveness skills.

Positive Affirmations to Create Prosperity

AFFIRMATIONS

• All my hard work is bringing results now.
• Good things are happening to me because I am connecting with the Universe.
• I am embracing my success today and feel full joy.
• I am totally positive about my prosperity now.
• I am letting go of fear of success now.
• I am connected to the Universe and I am hearing YES.
• I love being rich, it is okay to be rich, I deserve to be rich.

IS THERE A TREATMENT FOR ANOREXIA, Published in Times Review

IS THERE A TREATMENT FOR ANOREXIA
Published in Times Review
Dear Eugenia,
My daughter is 19 years old and she has me very worried over her weight. She gained some extra weight rather quickly when she entered puberty and since a couple of years ago she went on a strict diet to lose the weight. The bad part is that she lost the weight but is still continuing to diet. She picks at her food and eats a few bites of salad. Other times she secretly eats a lot of chips, pizza, or donuts and she then makes herself throw up in the bathroom so she won’t gain weight. She is very thin but she thinks she is fat. I don’t understand what’s going on. Our family doctor says that if she continues like this, she will need to go to the hospital for treatment. Can she get better?
“Desperate Mother”

Dear Desperate,
Your daughter has a disorder that is called Anorexia Nervosa (lack of desire to eat due to a mental condition). In our youth-oriented society, where the words beautiful and thin are often interchangeable, young girls like your daughter tend to be preoccupied with their appearance and they constantly focus on their weight. Your daughter started out gaining weight which was unsettling to her, and led her to become scared of being overweight and fat. In her desire to become thin and stay thin, she began to starve herself, binge secretly and purge the food in order not to gain any weight. Just like anyone with anorexia, she has not lost her appetite in fact she longs to eat. Anorexics usually obsess and dream about foods, some of them even at times eat uncontrollably. Patients in treatment who are anorexic tell us that they spend 70-85 percent of time daily thinking about food, creating menus, baking, feeding family or friends, worrying about what to eat next, bingeing on food and purging to get rid of food eaten. Your daughter is afraid of food and afraid of herself. In her determination to lose weight however she continued and progressed in developing a morbid fear of gaining back any lost weight. She became determined to stay thin at all costs. Like all anorexics, she has a distorted body image (thinks she is fat). To her, gaining weight means being weak, undisciplined and unworthy. Dieting becomes “a safe place to go”, that helps her cope with low self-esteem, failure, dissatisfaction, or the need to be unique, to be special, a success and in control. The good news is that there is hope for your daughter. She should see a physician to assess her physical condition. She should also start seeing an experienced counselor who is specifically trained in eating disorders, for individual and group therapy. The counselor could work with the physician and a nutritionist as a team. Being a recovered anorexic/bulimic myself, I treat individuals with eating disorders by following a course that includes educational insight, allowing the patient to correct faulty thought patterns to regulate one’s tensions and moods among others. Once the patient has internalized his/her abilities and has gained new skills, he/she no longer needs to get into self-destructive behaviors (using food) to meet his/her needs, soothe emotions and feel in control. The individual will have learned new tools to go on with life.

MOM DOESN'T SHOW LOVE

DEAR EUGENIA:
I am almost 13 years old and the oldest of three children. I have had this problem for some time now and my best friend told me to write to you. My mom and dad were divor¬ced when I was ten years old. My brother, my sister, and I went to live with my dad, because my mom did not want custody of us kids. My problem is that my mom hardly ever sees us. When she does, she shows more attention to my brother and sister and I feel left out. We always end up getting into an argument and I start crying and go hide. Eugenia, sometimes when I think about my mother I feel like she doesn't care about me. I hurt inside and I get headaches before I go to visit her. Are there other kids with my problem? My mom reads the paper and if you write me back she will prob¬ably read your answer. , This is for my mom; "I love you mother and I wish we were all back together again." Thank you for listening,"Want my mom back"
DEAR "Want mom back" You are a brave little girl to put your feelings in a letter. I admire your courage and your desire to want to be close to your mother. Have you talked with her about any of this? She will need to be told by you, so she can decide to change her ways toward you. Divorce is not easy for kids or for parents. Grown-ups often assume that being a child must be easier than being an adult. They too can be sad and lonely. Your letter tells me that you are very capable in talking about the way you feel. You also seem to carry inside you some sadness about your parents' divorce. You may want to talk to your school counselor and tell her what you told me. A counselor can then help you and your mother on how to talk to each other calmly and build a good relationship between the two of you. Your letter is special and I know other kids will read it too. You may want to cut it out and give it to your mother to read. Good luck to you. Eugenia